Divorce myths are fictions people tell each other – the “conventional wisdom,” as John Kenneth Galbraith once termed it. They are popular beliefs and notions, and they are wrong. Divorce myths thrive and propagate because some of them are comforting. These fictions work – that is, people believe them – because many of them often make a kind of intuitive sense. Some of them seem approachable via common sense; they are wrong nonetheless. People take comfort from them because they hold forth hope. In the human heart, hope does spring eternal.

What follows are an examination of a number of the most popular and enduring myths attached to divorce. Divorce myths perpetuate themselves because the sharp edges of divorce cut so deeply into the human condition.

1. It is OK to deny visitation if the other parent does not pay child support.

False. This situation comes up when the noncustodial parent, who is usually that father, falls behind in his child support, and the custodial parent, who is usually the mother, decides that his delinquency justifies shutting him out of his children’s lives. This she cannot do. In the eyes of the judge, child support and child visitation are separate issues. Courts frown on parents even attempting to use one to leverage the other. Child support is not payment for the privilege of visitation. A custodial mother whose former husband fails to pay child support must go to court; she cannot take matters in her own hands with a lockout.Denying visitation may make the equally ill-informed noncustodial parent feel justified about not paying child support.

2. By committing adultery you give up everything.

False. Increasingly, courts view divorce as the dissolution of an economic unit, and in many jurisdictions, bad conduct during the marriage – infidelity – is not even considered in the division and distribution of the marital estate. So if a couple is parting ways in a no-fault, no-contest action, adultery, even if it is the case, will not enter into the property settlement. In some states, judges may consider conduct during the marriage as a matter of judicial discretion, but bad conduct in this case usually deals with economic misconduct, that is, the dissipation or secretion of assets.Some angry women may be tempted to use adultery as a ground for divorce, but most lawyers advise against it. Adultery, even when it is the case, must be proved, and if there is nothing to be gained, the effort is not worth it, particularly when there are children involved since the aftermath of such a court action is liable to be bitter.

3. A spouse can deny the other spouse a divorce.

False. In the old days before no-fault divorce, one spouse could make it all but impossible for the other to end the marriage. For a variety of reasons (usually related to money and social positions), loveless spouses in years gone by showed no end of ingenuity in ways to trap their partners in the shells of dead marriages.Today, the liberalization of divorce, which began in 1970 in California, means that if someone wants out of a marriage, the other spouse cannot trap him or her. Put another way, no-fault in practice means that no one has to stay married if he or she does not want to.

This does not mean that divorce is easy. In the vast majority of cases, one spouse wants to end the marriage and the other does not—at least at the onset. And sometimes the reluctant spouse stalls the process of a divorce in the hopes of a change of heart or out of spite. But these dilatory tactics eventually come to an end.

4. The mother automatically gets the kids.

False. Mom does not automatically get the kids, but in 80 percent of the divorces, the mother ends up the custodial parent, and the father pays child support. In many cases, the divorcing spouses agree the children’s best interest is with the mother. In contested cases, where both parents seek custody, the court refracts the question through the prism called the best interests of the child. That phrase means what a judge says it means. Despite enormous cultural changes, many judges remain in the sway of what is called Tender Years Presumption and the Maternal Preference, both of which work in favor of the mother.Child custody disputes invite warfare between divorcing spouses. To win, one spouse must prove the other an “unfit parent.” The contest becomes a zero-sum game, where the winner takes all.

5. You must have a lawyer to get divorce.

False. You do not need a lawyer to get a divorce. Everyone has a constitutional right to represent him or herself. And every state recognizes the right of anyone to appear in court pro se – for himself or herself. Some jurisdictions – those with summary or simplified divorce procedure – make it very easy for layman to file for an uncontested divorce. The necessary paperwork can be obtained online.Pro se filing works very well in simple divorces – ones where there are no kids, no property, no arguments, and both spouses working.

6. You can get a same-day divorce in Las Vegas.

False. One spouse or the other must be a resident of Nevada for at least six week’s before filing (which is one of the shortest residency requirements of any state), and it normally takes 60 to 90 days for the divorce to be final. However, unlike many jurisdictions, there is no waiting period to get married in Nevada.

7. You have to get a divorce in the state you married.

False. Normally, at least one of the spouses must be a legal resident of the state where the couple files. Jurisdictions often consider service members residents of the state for divorce purposes. Normally, a person becomes a legal resident of a jurisdiction by living there for a period of time, ranging from six weeks to a year, depending on the applicable state divorce laws.

8. You can take a smaller property settlement to avoid paying child support.

False. Property settlements and child support are separate issues. One cannot be used to leverage the other. Jurisdictions use a number of methods to calculate child support, such as income shares or percentage of income, and judges will permit deviation from these depending upon the unique circumstances of the case. However, child support is a moral obligation of the noncustodial parent, and no parent escapes his or her obligation to support the children in exchange for a smaller share of the marital pie.

9. The children get to choose which parent they want to live with.

In contested cases, the courts decide child custody based on the best interest of the child – the gold standard. In practice, this usually means that, unless there is a compelling reason to do otherwise, the mother becomes the custodial parent. In general, judges are unmoved by wishes of the children, particular when the children are young. Courts may consider the expressed wishes of older children in deciding custody, but this is a matter of judicial discretion.

10. Keeping the house in my name only means it will always be mine.

No, this is not necessarily True. For example, a man who owns a house at the time of his marriage but continues to pay off its mortgage with marital funds may give his wife an interest in the house he owns in his name alone. Also, just living in a home as a married couple may constitute the property to be classified as marital. Most couples put the marital home in joint names (tenants by the entirety), but property acquired during a marriage, including the a house in the name of only one spouse, is subject to division and distribution.