How to Stay Married....
(from the perspective of a divorce attorney)
“Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for?” Andy Stanley posed this question in his sermon about dating. “Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for?” It is an important question to ask yourself before you end up in divorce court. Why? When a couple first meets, there are butterflies in the stomach and music in the air. Your beloved can do no wrong. Then, Life happens and you may find that you or your spouse are no longer “the person you are looking for is looking for” - a shift that often leads to divorce.
Why do people divorce? The U.S. divorce rate for first marriages ranges between 41% to 50%. For second marriages, the divorce rate is approximately 60% to 67%. For third marriages, the divorce rate hovers at 73%. Why is the divorce rate so high in this country?
In 19 years of practicing family law, I’ve been asked many times what the main reason is that people divorce. There are many reasons. Some of them are mental illness, addiction and family violence. For example, one woman I represented finally left her husband after his 7th arrest for DUI. She thought he wasn’t safe to drive with or be around the children and just couldn’t tolerate his drinking any longer. A husband was taken by surprise when his bi-polar wife bought 17 refrigerators in one day during a manic episode.
What about infidelity, you might ask? A woman married a man who was the Vice-President of an internet pornography business. After they married, his infidelity became obvious when he posted pictures of himself with his various conquests for all the world to see. However, I have found that infidelity is rarely the cause of divorce; rather, it is a symptom of problems in the marriage.
These are extreme examples, but by far, the most common reason for divorce is what I refer to as “lack of accountability.” By lack of accountability, I mean that you or your spouse has stopped being “the person who you are looking for is looking for.”
I conducted an informal survey of experienced family law attorneys and paralegals and found that lack of accountability is the number one reason for divorce. Lack of accountability comes in many forms, such as:
• marrying the “wrong” person
• falling out of love
• no longer meeting each other’s emotional needs
• growing apart
• lack of commitment
• lack of intimacy
• general dislike of each other
• distrust of each other
• lack of respect
• controlling personalities
• disagreement about finances
• disagreements about parenting
It’s the little slights, hurts and compromises along the way that lead to bigger problems. In other words, “death by a thousand cuts;” unacceptable circumstances or behavior become commonplace if they occur in small ways over time. On the receiving end, these feelings have been called “violated expectations.” In fact, the book, Crucial Confrontations attributes violated expectations to 90 percent of divorces. At some point, one or both spouses make a decision to stop being “the person who you are looking for is looking for.” Then, you wake up one morning and find that you can’t stand your spouse one more day.
Is this lack of accountability something that existed before marriage? Yes. Often, many of the problems that cause marriage to end in divorce existed in the relationship before marriage. For example, before Susan married, she found it endearing and healthy that her fiancé came home every day and meditated and did yoga. Five years into her marriage, she sees her husband as a selfish narcissist who always puts himself before her and the kids. She files for divorce. But this man’s habits are nothing new. What is his accountability for ignoring his family? What is Susan’s accountability for choosing to marry someone who she knew put himself first without fail? Did she have a responsibility to herself and to him to confront this issue before marriage?
For better or worse, these are my insights from the front lines of divorce court.
Divorce is one of the most agonizing experiences a person can go through. In your marital relationship, ask yourself “Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for?”
