Your spouse has asked for a divorce. Weather this is something you saw coming or you have been completely blindsided by it is rarely a welcome event. First and most important step is….
Breathe.
The announcement by one partner to the other that they no longer wish to be married is often an emotionally crippling turn of events. Over the next few days and weeks, you possibly will be faced with a wide range of emotions. Anger, sadness, fear. All of these emotions are normal and typical. They say that a divorce is a loss similar in some situations to a death. There are stages to pass through during the grieving process that occurs over the loss of a marriage. But right now today, what should you do?
While you may be upset beyond words, no words will help save your marriage or get through a divorce when you are acting from a negative emotional mindset!
It is important not to emotionally react to your partners initial announcement. In my opinion, the best immediate reaction is very little verbal reaction at all. It is fine to be sad, and to express your sadness through tears. You can question your partner as to why. And then listen. But guilt or shame or blame towards your partner, even if entirely justified, will not help the situation in the least at this juncture. Conversations centered around those things will typically be at the very least unproductive and the very worst result in explosive, angry displays.
After the initial announcement that your partner is seeking a divorce – step back. Tell your partner you need time to process this announcement. Retreat to a private trusted venting space. Everyone should have one. Talk with a friend or a counselor. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to get to a point where your emotions are in check or at least under control. Then move forward…
As a licensed and practicing divorce attorney, the first and foremost thing I ask my new and potential clients is weather they and their partner have tried marriage counseling. If not I suggest they approach their partner to see if this is an option. There are many marriage counselors out there who can break through to the fundamental problems in a relationship and help shift that relationship and allow the partners to rebuild.
If your partner is unwilling to participate in counseling or you have tried and not succeeded to resolve issues through counseling, I often recommend finding your own personal counselor. I believe that even the most well adjusted, mentally stable person will need some support at this time. One of the biggest mistakes people make in the divorce process is to treat their attorney as a mental health counselor. The divorce process by its very nature is emotionally challenging. Your lawyer is there to deal with LEGAL issues and a good counselor can help process the EMOTIONAL ones. Keeping these things separate is EXTREMELY difficult but with these two professionals supporting you, you will be much better able to address matters that arise.
Once you have taken some time to process through the initial emotions of your impending divorce, secured appropriate counseling if you feel that is necessary gained more solid footing emotionally, it is now important for you to consider the issues that will most likely be addressed and resolved through your divorce. Please read my article "What's Next" to understand what typically may happen next.
